Friday, June 13, 2014

this brokenness inside me might start healing

+ What's on: The House That Built Me, by Miranda Lambert

First: Not going to waste our time with explanations, partly because they won't change a thing, partly because a wannabe-blog like this is no place for what I could say. Same-old, same-old nonsense anyway.

Second: You can say whatever you want to me and about me; I know I've earned it and none of you have any reason to trust me and still be sticking around. But please play nice with each other? ♥

Third: The King's Men is out of my hands and with the betas. When I have a turnaround time estimate, you'll have a date. As soon as possible, I promise.

Monday, March 31, 2014

I'm gonna dig six feet up tonight

+ What's on: Comeback, by Redlight King

Good thing I'd planned on moving in 2014--that moving fund and my credit card just barely kept us afloat. We're effectively stranded here another year, but we're finally a two-income household again. I was bitter about it when I had to make the decision to gut my savings account, but I'm too tired to be angry about it anymore. What matters is that we made it and we can start finding our feet again.

I took the promotion. I was right when I said it'd be a noticeable pay cut. I knew we couldn't afford it at the time, but I did it anyway. Probably the only smart decision I've made this year, as I've stopped hating going to work in the morning. It's done wonders for my sanity.

All that RL nonsense aside.... Thank you. Thank you for the comments, the emails, the tumblr asks, the tweets, the messages. I'm sorry I couldn't respond. I'd hit a place where knowing people were waiting for me to say something made me retreat further. The only way to get through the last few months was to shut out as much of everything as I could. Not a healthy mindset or the best kneejerk reaction, but.

Last time I posted (forever and a year ago) I said I got to a chapter and a half from the end before realizing I had to rewrite an entire section. I also said I was losing track of the characters' motives due to outside stresses. Followed people's advice and reread the books.. then started rewriting an entire character's arc and personality.

They say "write what you know". There should be a disclaimer on that. When you are feeling trapped, the very last thing you should do is write a character who has hit the end of his desperate rope. It will backfire tremendously. I can't count how many times I opened this file and closed it again with a violent nope.

But here we are, and I can breathe again. You have no reason to believe me, and no reason to stick with me, but we are finally reaching the end of the road. I promise.

Also: today is March 31st--Neil Josten's birthday.

One more for the road, Neil.

Let's make it count.


Friday, January 3, 2014

o death won't you spare me over another year

+ What's on: O Death, Jen Titus (Supernatural)

First off: Happy Holidays and Happy New Year. I'm a bit late on both, I know. Thank you for the lovely comments and your unending patience and for all still being here.

2014 already, hm? Wow.

The good news is there's only one and a half chapters left of the King's Men rewrite. The bad news is, of course, that I am now over three months behind schedule. For a while there I was feeling optimistic -- for a while edits were good and everything was working out. Then a fatal flaw meant ripping out half of the story and rewriting it from scratch. Then life happened, but that's going behind a cut further down because .. I don't know. I guess it feels TMI? My life, my problems. Not trying to make excuses or anything. I partly feel like I owe you an explanation and partly just need to write it down somewhere.

I'm still writing every moment I can, but everything I manage gets erased and rewritten. Stress has blown these critical final scenes into over-dramatic cliches and pointless confrontations and I've completely lost touch with the characters. Doing what I can and taking it slow, but thank god for betas. I need them now more than ever.


Friday, November 15, 2013

falling into empty space no one there to catch you in their arms

+ What's on: Iridescent, by Linkin Park


Short version: King's Men release date has been pushed back from December. It should've gone to the betas in September if I wanted to hit that deadline. It's still sitting on my computer. New goal is January.

Longer version: Hey, lovies. Been a while, yes?

I actually started this post about a month and a half ago, but didn't finish. Tried again twice in October. Thought about deleting everything and just writing a couple lines, like, "Hey, guys, bad news, things aren't going well!" but then I thought "Maybe things will turn around if I just give it a little more time.." and I walked away from blogger again to wait everything out. Obviously that didn't work either.

As you've probably guessed from the silence on this end, edits aren't going well. Has a lot to do with the issues I alluded to in the last post. Things haven't gotten better and I don't expect them to any time soon. Strong chance they're actually going to get worse, but hey, that's what keeps life interesting. Right?

Along the way I let that stress/exhaustion/anger interfere with the things that are most important to me, and I've basically run all of my projects into the ground. My one goal for this weekend (well, aside from cleaning the wreck I've made of the apartment) is to figure out how to salvage them. I'll get back on track one way or another, but I'm sorry I didn't sort it out sooner.

Promise to keep in better touch while I deal with this mess. Thanks for your patience ♥♥

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

there was just this breath of air between and I couldn't breathe

+ What's on: I Couldn't Breathe, Lennon

I realized it's been a while, so I sat down and wrote a post. I read it over, realized it was way too rambling and personal, and erased it. Attempted a couple relevant bullet points instead, but that was boring. I'll sum it up instead and move on to something more appropriate: life is complicated, I can't wait to move out of North Carolina, and I have a list a mile long of books I want to read but can't until I'm done with edits.

See, that was much easier.

I'm behind on fixing and posting Fox back-stories, which is a little sad, but I don't want to slow the King's Men rewrite to work on them. For the most part, the rewrite is going well. There are just a whole lot of new scenes I wasn't expecting, and that's slowing everything down.

I've already figured out which project to rework next, but I'm trying not to think too much about it. I don't want to get distracted. I'm starting to get excited, though. I'll probably drink myself numb when I have to let go of King's Men and consider the Fox books done, but it'll be nice to leave contemporary fiction behind. All of my other projects are fantasy or urban fantasy/horror. It's gonna be a rough transition at first, I think.

Anyway, consider this my check-in: still alive, still editing, and still--as far as I know--on schedule for December. Love you guys ♥♥♥

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I can't leave here lonely knowin' I didn't even try

+ What's on: Hey Girl, by Billy Currington

A small series of quasi-related notes:

1. It is astoundingly easy to edit this book to country music. Why, I do not know. I know my sister does not appreciate it at all. Oh well! (Speaking of the sister, you can find her and her book over here)

2. Amazon is terrifying. The Foxhole Court hit Smashwords on Jan 15 and Amazon Kindle Store July 31st (I have no idea why it says July 30 on Amazon). In three-odd weeks, Amazon's clocked up more downloads. I don't know what to say except I love you all so much. ♥

3. I started INSANITY this past week. You guys, this shit is no joke. I tried it back in June and gave up after three days. I survived the entire first week this time 'round but I'm not sure how. I thought I'd be violently ill halfway through the Day 1 Fit Test. Knowing it's never going to get easier--that it's not supposed to get easier--is not encouraging. But gdi I'm determined to finish it this time.

4. Edits on King's Men are finally getting easier. There are four sub-arcs in the story, at least from a writing standpoint. I need to flip two of them chronologically (PS let's never do that again) and I need to completely rewrite one. I filled an entire 400pg pocket notebook before I figured out how to best pull it off. I'm also tearing out 20K words, which is all kinds of fun.

5. On the bright side, the relationship is finally coming together the right way. My goal was to get to the first kiss this weekend. Instead I spent 12 hours rewriting the same 5000 words over and over and over again. I was this close to choking Neil, no joke. That boy is so stupid I don't know what to do with him. How he hasn't gotten punched out yet, I don't know.

6. I was thinking to myself that my next project should be whichever one has an easy relationship in it. Then I remembered none of my in-prog stories have easy relationships. This is what happens when you don't believe in love and don't understand physical attraction. FML. Henceforth I will define "easy" as "Doesn't take until book three for googly eyes to happen".

7. Tentative release date is still December. If I can swing it sooner, I will. I promise I'm trying. You'll be the first to know if the date changes.

8. I need another drink.

9. Uh, don't tell Shaun T I'm drinking.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

this is just a stop on the way to where I'm going

+ What's on: Temporary Home, by Carrie Underwood

Spending the afternoon tackling edits. I went digging for music and ended up going through pictures instead. Putting a small pile of them here to look at while I work. We'll see how effective it is. On the one hand, the nostalgia of lost homes helps set the mood to deal with Neil. On the other, it makes me restless to get out of this city. There's a 50/50 chance I'll spend the afternoon planning an escape route.